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Random Garfield Comic Titles


Let's generate some random no-name Garfield comics.

To begin, we need an unsettlingly-derivative name for the cat, and a suitable subtitle. We're really leaning in to the ‘discount,’ ‘dollar-store,’ “we have Garfield at home” aspect of these titles.

Let's use the proper Garfield fonts, “Alfredo Heavy Regular” for the title and “Garfield Regular” for the tagline:

Ferferd, the lazy pet
Ratfied, the hungry feline
Garboond, the fat character
Jorfiend, the grumpy feline
Gamfielt, the lazy cat
Darfeeg, the overweight cat
Gokfield, the clever cartoon

Then of course we resize to the receipt printer width and crunch it down with 1-bit dithering:

Gugfend, the grumpy feline
Dapield, the sarcastic cat
Gorfoog, the lazy animal

The name-generation algorithm is rather carefully thought-out... we want maximum weirdness while maintaining similarity to the original name (hence the score variable). Cadence and syllables all factor in to the word components.

Notice the weighted-random tagging appended to each string value, which specifies the relative likelihood that any given item will be chosen.

function GarfTaglineGenerate() : string { $tag = ''; $tag .= WeightedStringRand (array ('lazy|2', 'fat|2', 'hungry|2', 'grumpy|2', 'pampered|1', 'sarcastic|1', 'overweight|1', 'comical|1', 'furry|1', 'funny|1', 'amusing|1', 'clever|1')) . ' '; $tag .= WeightedStringRand (array ('cat|6', 'feline|5', 'pet|4', 'animal|4', 'cartoon|3', 'creature|2', 'character|1')); return ($tag); } function GarfNameGenerate() : string { do { $name = ''; $score = 0; // --- G ---- $name .= ($part = WeightedStringRand (array ('G|10', 'X|0', 'D|2', 'F|2', 'B|2', 'R|1', 'J|2'))); if ($part == 'G') $score += 2; // --- . ---- $part = WeightedStringRand (array ('|10', 'r|2', 'w|1', 'l|2')); if ($part == '' || mb_endswithi ($name, $part) || in_array ($name . $part, array ('Xw', 'Rw', 'Jw', 'Fw', 'Bw', 'Xr', 'Jr', 'Rl', 'Xl', 'Dl', 'Jl'))) $score++; else $name .= $part; // --- a ---- $name .= ($part = WeightedStringRand (array ('a|5', 'e|2', 'i|1', 'o|2', 'u|1'))); if ($part == 'a') $score++; // --- r ---- $name .= ($part = WeightedStringRand (array ('r|5', 'n|2', 'l|2', 's|2', 'd|2', 't|2', 'b|2', 'k|2', 'm|2', 'g|1', 'f|1', 'z|1', 'x|1', 'p|1', '|1'))); if ($part == 'r') $score++; // --- f ---- do { $part = WeightedStringRand (array ('f|10', 'd|2', 'g|2', 's|2', 'n|2', 't|2', 'b|2', 'k|2', 'm|2', 'g|1', 'z|1', 'x|0', 'p|1', 'ph|1', 'sh|1')); } while (($part != 'f' && mb_endswithi ($name, mb_firstchar ($part))) || in_array (mb_lastchar ($name) . $part, array ('zs', 'zsh', 'sz', 'xz', 'xs', 'xsh'))); $name .= $part; if ($part == 'f') $score += 3; // --- ie ---- $name .= ($part = WeightedStringRand (array ('ie|5', 'ee|3', 'oo|2', 'ae|0', 'ou|1', 'a|2', 'e|3', 'i|3', 'o|2', 'u|2'))); if ($part == 'ie') $score += 2; else if (in_array ($part, array ('ee', 'e', 'i'))) $score++; // --- ld ---- $name .= ($part = WeightedStringRand (array ('ld|5', 'd|3', 'g|3', 'lk|2', 'ng|2', 'nk|2', 'k|2', 'rk|2', 'rd|2', 'rf|2', 'lt|2', 't|2', 'nd|2', 'nt|2', 'rds|1', 'pt|1', 'md|0', 'r|1', 's|1', 'ss|1', 'ck|1', 'll|1'))); if ($part == 'ld') $score += 3; else if (mb_lastchar ($part) == 'd') $score += 2; } while ($score < 7 || mb_containsanyi ($name, array ( 'garfield', 'iemd', 'rir', 'rur', 'ooll', 'eell', 'eeld', 'oold', 'god', 'denied', 'golfing', 'golfer', 'refund', 'getfound', 'gunfiend', 'food', 'feed', 'girl', 'barf', 'damn', 'piss', 'fuck', 'shit', 'dick', 'cunt', 'kunt', 'fag', 'porn', 'suck', 'jiz', 'homo', 'poop', 'cock', 'rape', 'kill', 'drug', 'ass', 'gook')) || mb_startsanyi ($name, array ('fat', 'fap', 'gag', 'dad', 'jap', 'bad')) || mb_endsanyi ($name, array ('fat', 'find'))); return ($name); }

As a final step we also must filter out inappropriate words and substrings from the random results. Some filters just clear out awkward sequences of consonants and vowels, while others filter out hateful terms and inappropriate sexual references. It's a bit weird to have to put these phrases into code, but it's necessary to produce sanitized results.

The support functions should be obvious, but the full source code, plus fonts are available for download for reference.

Observe some potential results from the random title generator:

Gazfink, the grumpy animal
Gemfield, the lazy feline
Berfuld, the overweight animal
Gerzold, the grumpy pet
Glunfeld, the lazy cat
Forfild, the clever creature
Gapfeek, the hungry animal
Donfield, the lazy cartoon
Gufieg, the comical pet
Gamberd, the clever feline
Rarfing, the fat pet
Gazfeeg, the fat cat
Gamfarf, the pampered creature
Garfierf, the fat cartoon
Gapfipt, the clever cat
Jorfurd, the amusing cat
Gamdeed, the clever animal
Gokfilk, the grumpy cartoon
Gerfouss, the amusing cat
Gizfeld, the lazy creature
Gofieg, the pampered pet
Jarkild, the grumpy cat
Glatfeeg, the overweight animal
Gerfeeng, the furry pet
Faffiet, the fat feline
Gafet, the grumpy pet
Gonfierds, the comical character
Ganshild, the fat cat
Grarfied, the grumpy creature
Danfod, the fat feline

All-in-all, there are approximately 45,000 possible names, plus 84 unique subtitles. Seems like a good start for a random Garfield generator.